God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
