do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
