Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
