Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just had sex on a roof
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
