I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
