Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
