don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
