How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
