DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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