but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Bring me that man meat
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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