I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Randomize
