You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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