We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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