this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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