shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
