so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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