I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize