FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
