i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
