Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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