I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
