And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
