Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
