The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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