Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
