If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize