Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
