Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
