Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
