Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize