Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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