so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
