You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
