I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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