dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
