I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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