Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
