i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
