I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
