forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
