I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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