thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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