ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
