Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
