I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize