I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Randomize
