White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Someone came in the potted fern
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
