Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
