i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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