You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
