absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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