I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
