What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
