Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
