i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
