I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
