She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
