so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
is that a dick in a sweater?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
