You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
