why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize