dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize