Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
