I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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