elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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