so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
