How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
