i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
