did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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