Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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